On her way down the mountain with Detective Beaumont was a solitary store. It was concealed by a copious amount of moss and underbrush; they felt lucky enough to have even seen it. It was built like the lovechild of a log cabin and a viking hall though rickety and derelict in appearance. GRIFTON VALLEY MERCANTILE INC. read the discolored, hand-painted sign hung on the porch. What appeared to be a street light from 1895 stood a few hundred feet from the building with vines wrapped along its body. A weathered ladder leaned up against the side wall, and the screen door seemed to creak with each gust of wind. Next to the store itself was a modest-looking dirt parking lot. It was unkempt, as if nature had taken over. The detective pulled in. Julia thought the store was deserted; the only other cars there were old, rusted jalopies.

As they entered, she noted a distinctive, musty odor that reminded her of a grandmother’s junk drawer. The lights hanging loosely from the ceiling seemed to flicker every other second, though they weren’t incredibly bright to begin with. The old man behind the counter, Julia thought, looked like he could have been a thousand years old while somehow simultaneously only sixty. He had scraggly gray hair and purplish-blue varicose veins that stuck out on any of his exposed skin. She thought he belonged in a museum.

Along the shelves were dusty mason jars full of colored candies, containers of sugar and flour, and bottles of incredibly aged whiskey. She had a feeling some of the items expired a hundred and fifty years ago. Farming equipment hung along the walls, everything from scythes to cultivators.

“Do you get a lot of business out here?” she asked.

“Enough to be comfortable. We ain’t citifed folk, ma’am, but I reckon we get along mighty fine out here anyway,” the man said. “Can I interest you in a coke? They’re on the house today.”

“Sure,” she said, grabbing a sprite from the cooler on the floor.

“So what brings y’all out here to my humble establishment?” he asked. Julia looked to the detective to answer. Due to her being an intern, she wasn’t necessarily allowed to say anything official, though she thought it was a ridiculous rule to follow.

“Sir, we’re with the Grifton Valley sheriff’s office investigating a series of deaths in the area, and we’d like to ask you a few questions if you don’t mind,” the detective said.

“Aw, shoot, what can I do to help?” You can start by dusting, Julia thought. The amount of dust was causing her nose to become stuffy, and she was not here for it. Joseph pulled out pictures of the latest three victims.

“Have you seen these women?” He showed the man the newly printed images.

“They sure are purdy, but I cain’t say that I ‘ave, no sirree,” the old man said. “It’s cozy out here, see. I know everybody who comes through that door with the exception of y’all. Mostly hunters ‘n trappers out here, though some folk farm I reckon. Anyway, point is I don’t know them women.”

Over the last few months, I’ve been rewriting the entirety of Bittersweet Alchemy, which isn’t that much considering I have the attention span of a walnut and perfectionism and particularity that could bring Sheldon Cooper to shame. I’ve changed everything to third person because it feels easier and more natural to me. I tried to get out of my comfort zone and write with first person but it wasn’t allowing my to write the story I wanted to write in the way that I see it in my head.

Graduation was few weeks ago, so I’m going to try and start posting more now that I’ve got the time. I’m excited to post work that I’m proud of, and I hope whoever sees it enjoys it as much as I do!

So there was a girl who got banished from the kingdom she lived in. Her lover, the son of the family who banished her, went with her and as a consequence he was cut off from the family money. Both of them were on the run from the boy’s parents and their “police”/guards. They hid in caves. However, one day a friend of theirs came running into the cave they were hiding in and told them that there’s a loophole and that if the boy hurried he could get 200,000$ from his parents before they realized there’s a loophole.

They get caught and the boy was taken back home to his parents and the girl was taken to the edge of the kingdom. She wandered the land, exploring the nature and the villages she passed through. As time went by, her anger rose and she continuously bottled it up. She ended up getting recruited by a league of assassins and sent to train on an obscure island. She tried to keep her sanity and her morals among wicked mercenaries. As she trained, she set out on a mission to get her life back, eventually realizing that she could never go back to civilization in the way that it had been before.

Why did we get kicked out of the class? We’re just as good as anyone else! I thought my scrambled eggs were pretty good.. ha who am I kidding? They were horrible. But it’s not like they grew legs and ran away! That would be not even remotely okay… and it wasn’t as if yours were any worse, Jared. I mean, we tried our best! This is ridiculous! I mean, okay, I guess it was a little warranted. They asked me if we had experience before starting the class and I may or may not have said yes, you know, like a liar. I’m a terrible cook. I meant to learn how to cook but I forgot. At the beginning of class when we started to make the scrambled eggs, I started mixing everything together but then realized I put too many eggs in so I scooped them out and put them back in the carton. But you know what? You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to show them! When I cook the best scrambled eggs they’ve ever seen, then they’ll be sorry for kicking me out! I’ll just… gather up the supplies. Turn on the burner, please! Do we even have any food in our fridge? There’s a mostly empty jug of milk that is… (she takes a whiff) incredibly out of date, why do we still have this?… ah yes! one singular egg… do you know how to test if it’s in date? No? Well neither do I. I guess it’ll be alright.. Wait, you’re supposed to open the egg before mixing it with everything? Whoops.. alright let me just take it out and… EW! What’s the goop inside of the egg? That’s so nasty! Oh god—what’s that smell? I think I’m going to be sick! Oh, this is a whole mess. I don’t know what I was thinking. Does something smell like it’s burning to you?

Malina Waters and her fiance, Jared Smith, had finally moved into a beautiful apartment in the city. They had been dating for three years until he finally proposed. Two years later, they had yet to plan their wedding, but they did decide to move in together. Unfortunately for both of them, neither of them could cook. They meant to learn how to cook and then they forgot. Nothing they knew would help them cook unless someone was like “hey I need to know how to make lasagna for a family dinner, does anyone know a lot about criminal minds?” So as a result, they frequently had close calls in the kitchen. Eventually, they pressed their luck too much and their building caught fire. The fire department hadn’t gotten them in time, and the entire building had collapsed into ashes and smoldering debris. And that’s where they were today. Malina was sat just outside the ruins of her home, hopeless and distraught. She and her fiance did not have renters insurance to cover the damages. neighborhood people were coming over to look and satisfy their morbid curiosity, not knowing for sure what had happened.

“So….. Lizards, huh?” I said after a moment. The man rolled his eyes, turned, and left.

“Did you—did you seriously just try and start a conversation with a stranger with the vague mention of lizards?” Lucas asked, shaking with laughter.

“Well, I saw one earlier, and I thought it was a reasonable course of action,” I said, throwing my hands up in defense. To be fair, it was a sick looking lizard, and I loved it quite a bit.

So for a bit of preface, this was a scene a group and I worked on during my second year of theatre. We were studying Greek threatre and had to combine Greek theatre style with a fairy tale/ nursery rhyme (I think. I sort of forgot tbh). We decided to not only combine the styles, but to also combine the Greek myth of Arachne, the story of how spiders came into existence, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider nursery rhyme. While we came up with the idea together, I was the one who actually wrote it down and formed it into a script.

---

Scene: Five females, one male

Characters:

        ARACHNE, a beautiful young mortal woman and then spider

        ATHENA, the goddess of wisdom, weaving, etc.

        OLD WOMAN, athena in disguise as an old mortal woman

        CHORUS 1 & 2, a pair of individuals who basically narrate the story

        NYMPHS, nature spirits

        ZEUS, god of thunder, god of the sky, king of the gods

Setting: A public center in Northern Greece where Athena and Arachne can show off.

Time: Early morning in ancient greece.

Situation: Arachne, a talented weaver, has claimed to be better than the gods, a problematic lot of individuals with too much power in their hands. She even goes so far to say she’s better than the goddess of wisdom. In this scene, she offends not only Athena but also Zeus himself and it ends up just being a rough time for Arachne in general.

—-

Scene: It’s early morning. The sun is beginning to rise and fills the atmosphere with a sort of radiant orange. When the curtain goes up, Arachne is seen dancing on stage, very prideful and happy about her work as a weaver. She has permitted herself to take a break from weaving and beckons nymphs to come and admire her various tapestries. Music can be heard off stage, somewhere in the distance and Arachne stands listening to it, dancing by herself. Suddenly the music stops and Arachne’s mood is broken. She acknowledges the nymphs.

Arachne: I’m the best weaver in the world. I’m better than the goddess Athena herself. Come, look at my work!

(Athena visible, downstage right, near the chorus. Vaguely annoyed. Arachne starts to weave.)

Chorus 1: Arachne, her name meaning spider in Greek, was a beautiful woman that had a great talent in weaving. Everyone was amazed at her work and people thought she was a student of the Goddess Athena herself. She became arrogant and felt like she was superior to the goddess, so she’d tell everyone that she’d taught Athena herself. This was an offense towards the gods, which was a very serious and even deadly sin for the ancient Greeks.

Arachne: I mean, obviously, I am better. Like, have you seen her work? Compared to mine, it’s just, like, disgusting. (Enter the old woman.)

Old Woman: You should be respectful towards the gods. They gave you life and they can just as easily take it away.

Arachne: I mean??? Save your breath. Full offense but I’m better than them anyways.

Old Woman (increasingly annoyed): You fool! You can never compare to any of the gods. You need to plead for forgiveness and Athena might let you live.

Arachne: Ha! I only speak the truth and if Athena thinks otherwise then she should come down and challenge me herself! (The nymphs back away, horrified as if everyone in the vicinity would be struck down because of Arachne.)

Chorus 2: Athena was angry that Arachne had the audacity to say that, so she revealed herself and challenged Arachne to a weaving contest. The two of them set up their looms in the same room and they wove from early in the morning until it got too dark to see. Then they compared what they had done.

Chorus 1: Athena had woven a beautiful cloth showing the gods and goddesses sitting together on Mt. Olympus and doing good deeds for people. But Arachne thought she was so smart, she wove a cloth making fun of the gods and goddesses, showing them getting drunk and falling down and making a mess of things. More specifically, it depicted Zeus doing stupid things and seducing several women and generally being an embarrassment. Still it was clearly better weaving than Athena had done.

Arachne: See how much better I am at weaving? You should be bowing down to me!

Chorus 2: Even though Arachne’s weaving was better, Athena didn’t care. Once she’d seen Arachne’s depictions of the gods, she became embarrassed and more furious than before. She pointed her finger at Arachne and suddenly Arachne’s nose and ears shrank up, her hair all fell out, her arms and legs got long and skinny, and her whole body shrank until she was just a little tiny spider. (Two maskless actors enter from opposite sides and take away Arachne’s mask, leaving her face exposed. They remove her top dress, she’s left in a “spider costume.” They exit with the articles of clothing and the mask.)

Athena: You want to spin? Go ahead and spin!

Chorus 1: Athena turning Arachne into a spider drew the attention of Zeus, the god of the sky. (Enter Zeus, stage left. He looks angry)

Zeus: Athena, why have you turned this young lady into a spider? You can’t just go around turning people into insects???

Athena: Look at what she did! Look at the tapestry she made!

Zeus: (He looks at the tapestry.) So?? What’s it supposed to be??

Athena: It’s us?? More specifically you?? (She points at the spot where Zeus is portrayed as an embarrassment.)

Zeus: This is outrageous! I cannot believe the arrogance of mortals! (He directs his anger towards Arachne, now a spider.) As king of the gods and everything else, etcetera, I hereby sentence you to an immortal life as a spider. You may become human again if you’re able to reach the top of this water spout, and you must never touch a loom for the rest of eternity.

Arachne: Okay, cool! I can do that with ease!

Zeus: By the way, I forgot to mention, rain will be constantly pouring down on you. Be careful not to fall! (Arachne is seen “dancing” to symbolize her despair of not being able to climb the water spout.)

Chorus 2: There was an eternal rain cloud above Arachne’s head, and for centuries after people and civilizations sang nursery rhymes about her predicament.

Girl 1: (she does a thing. a thing happens. it’s great.)

Girl 2: (she does a thing. what’s the thing? I don’t know but it’s a thing)

A Guy: (he does a thing. not sure what.)

Arachne: (Arachne’s dance of despair stops. She sits for a moment, as if thinking. She begins to dance again, but this time reinvigorated. She then, for her final trial, travels up the water spout but instead of thinking with her human side she embraces her spider and keeps traveling up and up and up and finally she’s done it. She’s  made the climb up the spout, now her final test awaits with Zeus, to her surprise, waiting for her.)

Zeus: Arachne! You have finally completed your last trial, now you must make the ultimate decision.

(He uses his power to show Arachne images of the choices she had to make. Zeus points to the right image.)

Zeus: On one side you may pick the option of remaining a spider thus showing your true strength and being an icon among other spiders to come after you. (He looks to the left image.) Or on the left option you may return back to your human life, or whatever remains of it to be the infamous Arachne who thought she could be something bigger and more impressive than the gods– (Athena and the old woman are seen tugging at Arachne’s arms, as if urging her to choose their “side” [spider v. human].)

Arachne: Option two, my dude!

(Zeus looks puzzled and dismayed.)

Zeus: Are you kidding me? After all these centuries you want to go back to being the distasteful and arrogant Arachne instead of an immortal life as a spider with newfound strength?!

Arachne: Yep, come on Zeus, zap me back!

(Zeus, with a look of disbelief, uses his powers and turns Arachne back into the beautiful yet arrogant weaver she once was.)

Arachne: I’m back, baby! Oh, you pathetic gods thought you could-  (Before Arachne could finish she looks at her hands feeling what felt like sand, she then sees her hands disintegrating before her very eyes.)

Arachne (shrieking): aaaaaaa!!! What’s happening? What have you done? What have you done?

Zeus: I have done nothing but what the Fates have willed. Arachne, you are now to be gone from this world, never to be whole again, for this you have only your arrogance and pride to blame- But mainly yourself really. (The last part with sass.)

Arachne: No no no please please Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

(Enter GIRL, in the middle of a yawn stretch)

It’s cold in here. Don’t you think it’s cold in here? Isn’t there any heat?

(She sits, shivering.)

I hate the cold. I hate snow days. I hate winter.

No, I’m too cold to move! Too cold to exist! I just woke up; I’m freezing; and you want me to go outside and have a snowball fight with you?

Look, if there was anything good about snow, I might be okay with freezing to death in a snowball fight; but there isn’t anything good about snow so I’m not going to go outside and participate in something stupid! I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but I hate snow days. Plus, I’m not even getting the chance to say hello to my own friends.

Oh boo hoo. You can play with the other kids in the neighborhood. Just because I’m your sister doesn’t mean you’re entitled to playing in the snow with me.

(She attempts to shake the cold off.)

Why is it so windy in here?

I didn’t say I felt a draft. It’s more of a strong, brisk wind blowing in this room.

I’m not getting sassy; I’m getting dry skin and stiff fingers. Did you open the door? I’m still not going outside with you!

In this monologue, gender roles are flipped. Women have assumed the “men” gender roles while men have taken on the role of  “women.” Sharon is your “typical white suburban mom” enforcing the role of her husband, Robert. This is supposed to be a comedic and extreme satirical monologue. If men had women’s gender roles and women acted the same as men, this is what might happen as a result. The character is a real shrew. Not exactly someone you’d like, but it works for what’s written.

---

Enter Sharon, exhausted and ready to sit down. She sees Robert and immediately starts up.

SHARON: As you know, I recently got the job as CEO of the finance company I’ve been working at. Now this means you have to step up your game in housekeeping, Robert. I don’t have time to babysit you anymore, Robert.

(in a condescending tone)

Sweetheart, I’m the breadwinner in this family, and you’re the man. You’re supposed to stay in the kitchen where you belong. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is. It’s only normal for a man to be in the kitchen.

God did not make men so they could sit around on couches all day.

(increasingly louder) He made them to hoist the couch over their heads and obliterate the dust bunnies who dared to dwell there! (extreme gesticulation)

(completely calm) By the way, how are the children? I hope you’ve been taking good care of them. Did you sign Sarah up for football? You know it’s important that she gets into a sport. She needs the scholarship for college later on. Did you take Ryan to ballet class? No, it’s every Tuesday. You told me it changed, remember?

(exasperated,  she facepalms)

God, Robert, how is he supposed to do well if he never goes to practices?

Oh! Also, the garden could use a little work. Your flowers are dying. Water them a little, why don’t you? You look like you need the sun, too. It’s like I’m married to a cave dweller!

And another thing, have you cleaned the bathrooms yet? You know I told you to do that three days ago. Why isn’t it done yet?

(Sharon stands up as she reaches the peak of her frustration)

Let me get this straight. You spent the last three days taking a break? A break? Are you serious? A break? Time doesn’t stand still, Robert. Well? Get a move on! Chop-chop!

(clapping hands together)

Oh! And another thing! I didn’t have any clean clothes this morning! Why haven’t you done the laundry recently? You know that I can’t show up to my job as a CEO dressed as a homeless wretch. Imagine the first impression that would give! What were you thinking?

Oh. That’s right. You weren’t. You have no idea how easy you have it.

(She begins to pace)

I only ask that you cook, clean, and garden. I mean there’s also caring for the children and looking pretty.. do you know how hard I have it? I have to go to work and actually work. I have to make decisions like (using finger quotes) “do we want coffee ice cream or banana splits for a company lunch on Wednesday” and telling Patricia that her makeup looks like a clown did it. They’re such hard decisions!

(Sharon groans in frustration and sits back down.)

And where’s dinner? I come home, and I want to arrive to a hot meal and my beautiful, loving husband. What do I find? Chores that weren’t done when I assigned them.

(She throws her arms up, exasperated)

What does a woman have to do to get a husband who knows his place?